Back again, so soon?
Yes.
Wow. I'm surprised. Why the peaked interest in chatting with me all of a sudden?
Well, I'm starved for a good chat, to be honest. And, I'd rather not be alone in my own head. It's dangerous in there.
Right. True. Well....alright, then. I've got a little free time. What's going on with you?
Oh, I've just been reminiscing tonight. Facebook had this 10 year anniversary video snapshot of the past 10 years of my posts, and I saw some pictures of my kiddos as infants. I started perusing my pictures and the tears started.
Awwww...
Yeah, I wanted to run in my kid's room and just snuggle up with both of them, but they need sleep and I can't tear myself away from my books and my bed. They were sooooo LITTLE! Helpless and tiny...it's so crazy to remember. I mean, it wasn't that long ago, but they just grow so incredibly fast.
So, you miss having a baby?
Well, in a sense, I do. Doesn't mean I want to have another baby...at least not now. We're talking about ending it. I think this family is complete. But, I never say never. You know, for the future. Can't say what it holds.
Definitely. You don't know where you'll be or what you may want later.
Exactly.
So, a night of reminiscing. I love times like that. But it doesn't end up too productive for me.
No. Productive, it certainly is NOT. And in the midst of my browsing through those old photos, I came across some comments from friends. One friend in particular caught my eye. One that I haven't heard from, so I looked her up, and guess what? It gave me the open to "Add Friend."
Ouch.
Mhmm. I really don't know why it bothers me. I guess, I was just hoping for reconciliation, and instead she's pushed further away.
Who is this friend?
She's someone who I've known for about half of my life. We've had a rocky year and a half, first she did the hurting and then I did. Thing is, it's really never been such a great friendship for me. I really did most of the relationship building, but...I didn't mind! I mean, I loved her and her family. I guess it's about time that it's truly over.
Sad. When things end.
Yes. I know. I have a hard time because I always hate when something doesn't work out. Sometimes I guess it's needed, but I feel like it really shouldn't have to be that way. And in this case, it really doesn't!
So then what's this big issue between you two?
I won't get into detail, but...a secret was hidden and then found out. But, it really was not a big deal. I mean, really. If roles were reversed, I would've put it behind us long ago and we would still be talking. She's totally taking it to an extreme. But that's her main problem anyway - she plays the victim. Always has, always will. Unless she decides to wake up one day, but that's going to be nearly impossible for her because ...she is the victim, never the cause. For her to wake up would take her admitting that she's to blame. It's insane to me. I've been there for her for so long, and this one tiny betrayal has caused her to completely shut me out. I guess maybe that's one of the problems - she never expected it from me.
Betrayal on any level is hard to get past.
I know it is. But I've done it - gotten past things. And for me, I guess it kills the most because -- when I tell her that I want to talk about it and resolve it and I still care about her like I always have, I MEAN every single word. And the incident that happened, never did change one bit of how I've cared about her. But I have a feeling that she believes that I've felt differently than I've portrayed to her. She must feel that I've been acting and lying all along...or at least for the past year. I wanna scream and say, "Give me a chance to explain!" Because, honestly, I don't even know what she was told. Someone else told her, and she took their word as gospel and that was that.
Wow. So you never even got to hear why she's so upset?
Basically, that's the truth. What hurts the most is that she cares so much about her own hurt that she doesn't consider that I may have some, too. And it hurts because I never want to be the cause of someone's pain. I want to be a helper, a giver, a lover. Not an attacker or a stealer or a liar. But inevitably, I am.
Hey, it's in all of us. It doesn't mean you wanted that. Sometimes things happen. Regardless of your intent.
I have a question for you.
Ok.
How...please tell me how I can love with restraint, and still love fully? What is the point of these feelings and emotions if I'm not supposed to express them? And where is the line where I need to hold back and become unconnected?
Wow. I'm not sure how to answer that.
I'm not surprised. I mean, I don't think there's an answer!
Maybe you're not asking the right question.
I'm just tired of struggling. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of people not caring that I care. And I'm tired of wanting to make a difference and then not actually putting forth an effort.
I can identify.
UGH. This life.
It's a toughie.
No kidding. I do wish that I didn't feel. I didn't feel as deeply as I do about things. Then life would be a little easier. Less exciting, but less painful. I wrote a poem a while back about how I'll take the pain with the pleasure rather than live in indifference. But, sometimes I'm not so sure. Sometimes the pain just doesn't seem worth it.
I think it probably is.
Yeah, and ya know? My pain is NOTHING compared to probably even the average person. And most of my pain, I've caused for myself. Me and this dumb desire for human connection. Bah.
Ya know, if I'm going to be completely honest, I really don't want to repair this relationship.
No? I thought this is the whole thing you just got done saying you wanted?
No. What I want is the closure that a conversation to clear the air would bring.
Yes, that is quite a different thing.
Yes, quite. I think I'm just past the point of caring about someone who won't give me the respect or courtesy of ONE measly conversation. I literally don't feel like I have anything to apologize for anymore. The way I've been treated for years, heck, I've just had it with being understanding.
And for you, that's saying something.
I know. It really is. I always like giving the benefit of the doubt and giving second, third, fourth chances. But it's really over this time. She's had her chance to reconcile and it's over. Hey, I mean if she wants to talk, I will LOVE to talk. And I will be apologetic, but once that talk is had, I'm through. It's just not worth the aggravation anymore. I'd really like the closure. But, I'll hafta live with venting about it to you for the foreseeable future.
Well, I'll always be here for you.
I'm glad. Not that you have much of a choice.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
When you're right, you're right...
Consistency is not my strong suit. As you know, if you are reading this. It's been, what....3 months since my last post? Or something like that.
When I feel down, I journal. I muse and write angsty poetry. When I'm not sure what I feel, I kill time reading a book or listening to music. When I'm feeling up and in the mood for talking but don't exactly have someone to call, I write to you. And usually when I'm feeling this way, I ramble. On and on. Not really sure what topic I want to share about today.
So I guess, I'm saying that I haven't really felt so upbeat in a while to resort to coming to you. I think that very well is true. I'm starting to feel back in a rhythm of things.
I'll play movie critic tonight. Only because I just saw Amelie yesterday afternoon. A. Maz. Ing. If I may say so. I do believe it is now at least #2 if not #1 on my list of favorite films. I think I may need to watch that once a week, or at least a month for a while. And purchase a hard copy once Netflix removes it from their queue.
If you haven't seen it, please do. The imagery in the film is brilliant, on a number of levels. And the character in Amelie - so identifiable, for me. The girl, feels lost, wanting direction. Grew up with a pile of challenges (not exactly personal for me, but). Finds a purpose, a way to touch people's lives. And in the process, finds a love for herself. The same story told and retold, but this one couldn't have been told better.
I don't think any bit of that movie disappointed me. It filled in all the right gaps, and answered all the right questions and ended on a perfect note. It's no wonder it won some great awards! Definitely one of the ones that deserved it all.
A few of the great quotes that stood out to me in Amelie...
"We pass the time of day to forget how time passes."
"The fool looks at a finger that points to the sky."
"Love's a great beautician."
"You'll never be a vegetable. Even artichokes have hearts."
"She's fond of stratagems. In fact, she's cowardly. That's why I can't capture her look."
"I love the word 'fail'. Failure is human destiny."
"At home, we say, a man that knows proverbs can't be all bad."
My daughter came downstairs while I was watching and sat with me for the second half of the movie. Not exactly age appropriate for her, but it's a light-hearted movie. Besides, it's all in French, and she can't quite read English yet. But she told me, "I like her. I want to be like her. I want to learn French." Maybe someday we'll learn it together. I'd like to know it, too.
Super artistic film. I'm sure that's a large bit of why I loved it.
Now I'm taking on too much with my reading. I've just started a new 400 page fiction book. Not necessarily excited about it, much more reading it out of duty to the series since I read book 1. It's not bad, just not what's interesting me right now. And I just remembered that I can always borrow library books instead of buying every book I want to read one time, so I borrowed another book and checked it out today. Then a friend of mine is supposed to loan me another book to read. The only one with the time limit is the library book, so we're good.
Okay, starting to drift off. I wanna read, but I doubt that'll happen with these heavy eyelids.
Talk more later. Well, I'll talk. You listen.
When I feel down, I journal. I muse and write angsty poetry. When I'm not sure what I feel, I kill time reading a book or listening to music. When I'm feeling up and in the mood for talking but don't exactly have someone to call, I write to you. And usually when I'm feeling this way, I ramble. On and on. Not really sure what topic I want to share about today.
So I guess, I'm saying that I haven't really felt so upbeat in a while to resort to coming to you. I think that very well is true. I'm starting to feel back in a rhythm of things.
I'll play movie critic tonight. Only because I just saw Amelie yesterday afternoon. A. Maz. Ing. If I may say so. I do believe it is now at least #2 if not #1 on my list of favorite films. I think I may need to watch that once a week, or at least a month for a while. And purchase a hard copy once Netflix removes it from their queue.
If you haven't seen it, please do. The imagery in the film is brilliant, on a number of levels. And the character in Amelie - so identifiable, for me. The girl, feels lost, wanting direction. Grew up with a pile of challenges (not exactly personal for me, but). Finds a purpose, a way to touch people's lives. And in the process, finds a love for herself. The same story told and retold, but this one couldn't have been told better.
I don't think any bit of that movie disappointed me. It filled in all the right gaps, and answered all the right questions and ended on a perfect note. It's no wonder it won some great awards! Definitely one of the ones that deserved it all.
A few of the great quotes that stood out to me in Amelie...
"We pass the time of day to forget how time passes."
"The fool looks at a finger that points to the sky."
"Love's a great beautician."
"You'll never be a vegetable. Even artichokes have hearts."
"She's fond of stratagems. In fact, she's cowardly. That's why I can't capture her look."
"I love the word 'fail'. Failure is human destiny."
"At home, we say, a man that knows proverbs can't be all bad."
My daughter came downstairs while I was watching and sat with me for the second half of the movie. Not exactly age appropriate for her, but it's a light-hearted movie. Besides, it's all in French, and she can't quite read English yet. But she told me, "I like her. I want to be like her. I want to learn French." Maybe someday we'll learn it together. I'd like to know it, too.
Super artistic film. I'm sure that's a large bit of why I loved it.
Now I'm taking on too much with my reading. I've just started a new 400 page fiction book. Not necessarily excited about it, much more reading it out of duty to the series since I read book 1. It's not bad, just not what's interesting me right now. And I just remembered that I can always borrow library books instead of buying every book I want to read one time, so I borrowed another book and checked it out today. Then a friend of mine is supposed to loan me another book to read. The only one with the time limit is the library book, so we're good.
Okay, starting to drift off. I wanna read, but I doubt that'll happen with these heavy eyelids.
Talk more later. Well, I'll talk. You listen.
Monday, October 21, 2013
The Worst Kind
Togetherness --
Or one definition of it:
Occupying the same space
(Can be lonelier than
Physically being alone)
Oneness --
My definition of it:
Rarely exists in the physical,
Yet how it's most often portrayed.
Seeming contradictions
Oxymorons of life
Mental torture which
turns to physical ache.
Achiness --
Multiple definitions of it:
Aches of pure desire
and aches of empty hearts,
sometimes broken.
Both, in ways, leaving - needing desires.
Conclusiveness --
No way to define.
'Together' means nothing to loneliness.
He roams where'ere he will
Encasing the victim with an
impenetrable shell,
and leaving the passersby unaware.
Indifference - I cannot fathom
Not while trapped in this human frame.
Seemingly exists, however odd.
Appears to be an easier path
However, painless, also pleasureless
It is not the path for me.
I'll take the pain with the pleasure
Hand over all you've got
And I'll grin and bear it.
This pain stings deep
Cuts, burns...scathes.
Loneliness.
Wouldn't wish it on you.
Or her or him. Not even them.
Not
Ever.
At least loneliness, while alone,
Can seek out another.
Loneliness while with another
has no remedy.
Find me one?
I'll bottle up my tears
while I wait for you.
Don't take too long
Please
Have mercy
And I'll come to your aid
in time.
Or one definition of it:
Occupying the same space
(Can be lonelier than
Physically being alone)
Oneness --
My definition of it:
Rarely exists in the physical,
Yet how it's most often portrayed.
Seeming contradictions
Oxymorons of life
Mental torture which
turns to physical ache.
Achiness --
Multiple definitions of it:
Aches of pure desire
and aches of empty hearts,
sometimes broken.
Both, in ways, leaving - needing desires.
Conclusiveness --
No way to define.
'Together' means nothing to loneliness.
He roams where'ere he will
Encasing the victim with an
impenetrable shell,
and leaving the passersby unaware.
Indifference - I cannot fathom
Not while trapped in this human frame.
Seemingly exists, however odd.
Appears to be an easier path
However, painless, also pleasureless
It is not the path for me.
I'll take the pain with the pleasure
Hand over all you've got
And I'll grin and bear it.
This pain stings deep
Cuts, burns...scathes.
Loneliness.
Wouldn't wish it on you.
Or her or him. Not even them.
Not
Ever.
At least loneliness, while alone,
Can seek out another.
Loneliness while with another
has no remedy.
Find me one?
I'll bottle up my tears
while I wait for you.
Don't take too long
Please
Have mercy
And I'll come to your aid
in time.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Soooo...what if you follow the red brick road?
It's amazing how many different directions your mind can go while watching the exact same production, but at a different moment in your own timeline.
That's what happened to me yesterday, sitting down with some snuggle-bugs, eyes peeled on the tele, ears ringing to the tune of "follow the yellow brick road, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road..."
As the munchkins sung their song, my eyes caught hold of the red brick road, swirling around and directly alongside the yellow bricks, then veering off into a different direction. Where does it lead? Nobody mentions it, but it's plainly there, and it plainly leads to somewhere. I am still wondering, and maybe now I will always be.
Mysterious thought, to me. I can imagine all kinds of places and things along that different path. All the "what ifs" of a red headed girl's journey if she had taken a different road. Or maybe, someone else who entered that land years later to have more discoveries of a different sort.
I know they've written a new story about the wicked witch's point of view, but what about a story with new characters heading towards a very different city?
And...has it already been written? I haven't read Wicked, neither have I see the newer "Oz" movie. Maybe there are clues in there. I think it's time to reach for both.
That's what happened to me yesterday, sitting down with some snuggle-bugs, eyes peeled on the tele, ears ringing to the tune of "follow the yellow brick road, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road..."
As the munchkins sung their song, my eyes caught hold of the red brick road, swirling around and directly alongside the yellow bricks, then veering off into a different direction. Where does it lead? Nobody mentions it, but it's plainly there, and it plainly leads to somewhere. I am still wondering, and maybe now I will always be.
Mysterious thought, to me. I can imagine all kinds of places and things along that different path. All the "what ifs" of a red headed girl's journey if she had taken a different road. Or maybe, someone else who entered that land years later to have more discoveries of a different sort.
I know they've written a new story about the wicked witch's point of view, but what about a story with new characters heading towards a very different city?
And...has it already been written? I haven't read Wicked, neither have I see the newer "Oz" movie. Maybe there are clues in there. I think it's time to reach for both.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da
So apparently when you turn 30, life goes on. Good to know, right? Yeah. It's good. Fine.
The first couple weeks of my 30s have been pretty memorable. I've seen my first Broadway show, seen some live preseason hockey, attended a Renaissance faire in costume for the first time, visited with out of town family in town, had dinner with friends a few times, seen the season premiere of Parenthood and been to a lovely concert in Philly...been quite busy, so it seems!
I'd have more to say, but Pretty in Pink is distracting me.
My thoughts are muddled of late. I always have a lot going through my brain, but lately it has been just bits and pieces of things, not explainable coherent thoughts to share.
Been reading a new book, and almost finished with it, but I've been slow with my readings the past couple months. It seems like my reading frenzy back in June really was just that - an obsessive frenzy that's died out. I'm hanging on, though. I still have books next to my bedside waiting to be opened. I won't give up.
There's a musician who I've admired for a number of years, simply because of one recording I stumbled across entitled "Father". Every song on that album moves me. I could quote whole songs and light up social media with his poetry for days. And now, I'm reading his book CMYK: The Process of Life Together. GREAT. More quotes I'd love to share. I'm a sucker for the thought provoking and emotional, faith-filled writings. I love to read and think and hear insights from people who may or may not believe the same way I do, but love to dig deeper and find meaning. Justin McRoberts certainly does that.
I'm no critic blogger reviewing books and music, but I know what I like, and when someone can connect that's it for me. I'm hooked. Line and sinker. The thoughts in that book, the straightforwardness, the love for people, undeniable. That's what I want. Love for people.
I think I have a love for them. I just don't know what to do with it. I care, I just don't know what to do about the caring. So often I feel like I want to dedicate my life to helping the helpless, to loving the loveless. But...I have my own family to care for, too! I overthink, and then under-do. I want to grow that to a point where it's the opposite. I'd rather under-think things, and over do them. In the positives.
The first couple weeks of my 30s have been pretty memorable. I've seen my first Broadway show, seen some live preseason hockey, attended a Renaissance faire in costume for the first time, visited with out of town family in town, had dinner with friends a few times, seen the season premiere of Parenthood and been to a lovely concert in Philly...been quite busy, so it seems!
I'd have more to say, but Pretty in Pink is distracting me.
My thoughts are muddled of late. I always have a lot going through my brain, but lately it has been just bits and pieces of things, not explainable coherent thoughts to share.
Been reading a new book, and almost finished with it, but I've been slow with my readings the past couple months. It seems like my reading frenzy back in June really was just that - an obsessive frenzy that's died out. I'm hanging on, though. I still have books next to my bedside waiting to be opened. I won't give up.
There's a musician who I've admired for a number of years, simply because of one recording I stumbled across entitled "Father". Every song on that album moves me. I could quote whole songs and light up social media with his poetry for days. And now, I'm reading his book CMYK: The Process of Life Together. GREAT. More quotes I'd love to share. I'm a sucker for the thought provoking and emotional, faith-filled writings. I love to read and think and hear insights from people who may or may not believe the same way I do, but love to dig deeper and find meaning. Justin McRoberts certainly does that.
I'm no critic blogger reviewing books and music, but I know what I like, and when someone can connect that's it for me. I'm hooked. Line and sinker. The thoughts in that book, the straightforwardness, the love for people, undeniable. That's what I want. Love for people.
I think I have a love for them. I just don't know what to do with it. I care, I just don't know what to do about the caring. So often I feel like I want to dedicate my life to helping the helpless, to loving the loveless. But...I have my own family to care for, too! I overthink, and then under-do. I want to grow that to a point where it's the opposite. I'd rather under-think things, and over do them. In the positives.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Wisdom of a Dying Twenty Something
Okay, scratch the wisdom part. And in a few hours, the twenty something.
The last post was one I meant to write days ago and didn't get to it. And tonight with the impending new century looming, I thought, why not write an extra posting? Get a few last words in before I slip into oblivion.
Alright, I know. 30 is far from a death sentence. In fact, I'm gonna bet that it'll be a better year than the last. In some respects it will not be hard to outdo!
My year in review...
Made lots of mistakes. Again. Still have a to do list no shorter than before. I helped some people, hurt some others, said too much, said too little, loved a lot, withheld affection, reached some goals, wrote some others.
The thing I remember most from all of the things I remember happening this year...I have learned some amazing lessons. Some from falling, some from rising. Eh, mostly from falling. It's a shame sometimes that we can't get it together before we start passing on what we know! This life journey is a mystery. An unraveling mystery that sometimes even changes right in the middle.
I have also made some amazing friends and connections. None of which I am willing to erase from my timeline. Each one holds a special space in my mind, with the good and the bad.
I'd like to think I've matured, and I know that in some ways I have. In no way have I arrived, nor will I ever until I reach the other side of the river.
But, I am in love. And I always will be. With what? who? Oh, I dunno. I mean, so many things. Tonight I just really feel love. And I don't mean that I feel loved. I just inwardly, feel love. Maybe it's just the waxing gibbous moon out tonight. Close enough to full to start effecting me.
And while this starts to become an incredible ramble, I think I'll finish off with something I wrote just two evenings ago.
Transformation
What do you see?
Eyes narrowed, sifting light
Dark shimmering wisps
teasing the imagery
What's left when the smoke clears?
Standing solidly, a brutish form
Some would cower or shiver -
But not you.
You sense his thoughts,
Fills you with intrigue to learn more,
See his next move.
Eyes widen, taking a full perspective
Allowing detail to build
Until each shade of color shows
Brutish turns to hideous
Still, something draws
No fear, only desire.
A breeze brushes over sensitive skin
Hair bristles, sending a shiver
Eyes soften.
Hideous turns to helpless
Only one response is proper -
Outstretched hand.
A step closer, with quizzical silence
Hesitant while time stops.
A decision is made - hand grasping
Hand holds, cares
Helpless becomes Beauty.
The last post was one I meant to write days ago and didn't get to it. And tonight with the impending new century looming, I thought, why not write an extra posting? Get a few last words in before I slip into oblivion.
Alright, I know. 30 is far from a death sentence. In fact, I'm gonna bet that it'll be a better year than the last. In some respects it will not be hard to outdo!
My year in review...
Made lots of mistakes. Again. Still have a to do list no shorter than before. I helped some people, hurt some others, said too much, said too little, loved a lot, withheld affection, reached some goals, wrote some others.
The thing I remember most from all of the things I remember happening this year...I have learned some amazing lessons. Some from falling, some from rising. Eh, mostly from falling. It's a shame sometimes that we can't get it together before we start passing on what we know! This life journey is a mystery. An unraveling mystery that sometimes even changes right in the middle.
I have also made some amazing friends and connections. None of which I am willing to erase from my timeline. Each one holds a special space in my mind, with the good and the bad.
I'd like to think I've matured, and I know that in some ways I have. In no way have I arrived, nor will I ever until I reach the other side of the river.
But, I am in love. And I always will be. With what? who? Oh, I dunno. I mean, so many things. Tonight I just really feel love. And I don't mean that I feel loved. I just inwardly, feel love. Maybe it's just the waxing gibbous moon out tonight. Close enough to full to start effecting me.
And while this starts to become an incredible ramble, I think I'll finish off with something I wrote just two evenings ago.
Transformation
What do you see?
Eyes narrowed, sifting light
Dark shimmering wisps
teasing the imagery
What's left when the smoke clears?
Standing solidly, a brutish form
Some would cower or shiver -
But not you.
You sense his thoughts,
Fills you with intrigue to learn more,
See his next move.
Eyes widen, taking a full perspective
Allowing detail to build
Until each shade of color shows
Brutish turns to hideous
Still, something draws
No fear, only desire.
A breeze brushes over sensitive skin
Hair bristles, sending a shiver
Eyes soften.
Hideous turns to helpless
Only one response is proper -
Outstretched hand.
A step closer, with quizzical silence
Hesitant while time stops.
A decision is made - hand grasping
Hand holds, cares
Helpless becomes Beauty.
Simple Words
"I love you forever...and EVER...and EVER. And I'm NOT going to change my mind."
Those few simple words. They cut me deep, specifically when my ears heard those words spoken from my son's lips. Little does he realize what those words mean. Neither does he regard the fact that tomorrow he may be spouting out very different word formations to the exact same recipient.
But even though tomorrow he may say "Mom, I'm not your friend anymore because you won't let me have that cookie", I cherish the loving words from before all the more.
It may seem silly, but when he said that to me the other night, it painted a picture in my mind of what I do with my own Father. My heavenly One.
There are so many times when I tell him that I love him. When I want to jump up and embrace him and just snuggle in close and rest. When my heart is filled with contentment and satisfaction, and I am bubbling over. In those times I just am sooo in love. And being the emotional and loving Father he is, I KNOW...and especially now, I really KNOW how he feels when he hears that. And I know what he feels when later that same day I am crying and throwing things in his general direction protesting some injustice I despise.
And yet, there he sits...gently remembering that really, deep down, it's love that I have for him, and he loves me beyond any other comprehension. And he still smiles, and he still comforts and he simply loves me. Although, it's really far from simple. It's deep and complex. And even in those moments of fitful passion he reminds me of his love.
Let me tell ya...being a parent, it is unbelievably and indescribably eye-opening. Heart wrenching, unlimited love pouring, even wounding. But you are stuck. I mean, the love you have, it just grows and grows. Of course I have moments, and I am human to the core. But a minute after the rough moment, the love comes rushing back in and I'm head over heels again.
Those few simple words. They cut me deep, specifically when my ears heard those words spoken from my son's lips. Little does he realize what those words mean. Neither does he regard the fact that tomorrow he may be spouting out very different word formations to the exact same recipient.
But even though tomorrow he may say "Mom, I'm not your friend anymore because you won't let me have that cookie", I cherish the loving words from before all the more.
It may seem silly, but when he said that to me the other night, it painted a picture in my mind of what I do with my own Father. My heavenly One.
There are so many times when I tell him that I love him. When I want to jump up and embrace him and just snuggle in close and rest. When my heart is filled with contentment and satisfaction, and I am bubbling over. In those times I just am sooo in love. And being the emotional and loving Father he is, I KNOW...and especially now, I really KNOW how he feels when he hears that. And I know what he feels when later that same day I am crying and throwing things in his general direction protesting some injustice I despise.
And yet, there he sits...gently remembering that really, deep down, it's love that I have for him, and he loves me beyond any other comprehension. And he still smiles, and he still comforts and he simply loves me. Although, it's really far from simple. It's deep and complex. And even in those moments of fitful passion he reminds me of his love.
Let me tell ya...being a parent, it is unbelievably and indescribably eye-opening. Heart wrenching, unlimited love pouring, even wounding. But you are stuck. I mean, the love you have, it just grows and grows. Of course I have moments, and I am human to the core. But a minute after the rough moment, the love comes rushing back in and I'm head over heels again.
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