Jump

I want to jump into the sky
Let it swallow me whole in its vastness
Throw me overboard into the sea of stars
And hold my breath as I float away.
No struggling
No swimming, flailing limbs
I won't change my mind
I'm commited to this climate change

Loving acceptance

This totally goes along with my last post....

Give me a Reason

Are you like me?  Do you always want answers?

Well, I'm here to tell you, they are not as easy to come by as one might think.

But, I'm gradually learning (veeeeeerry gradually, sometimes painfully slow) that you don't always need an answer.  In fact, really, you don't always need the questions!  I am a pretty firm believer in questioning things.  I think that's one great way we grow and learn. But there's a point where the only place questions get you is STUCK.  Unable to move forward.  And that's not growing at all.

I told you that there was a voice that I heard.  It gave me some insights into my questions.  A few different voices, actually.  I started reading, and throughout the book rose a few points that resonated with me and have been a solid stepping stone in this upward climb.

The first thing my readings reminded me of is something super simple, but so often is something that's been hard for me personally and daily needing focus correction on it.  That is, we only have the NOW...that is the place we need to live in.  In conjunction with that, sometimes it's necessary to fall before you can rise up.  That's a theme that I think many can understand, and it's one that's seen throughout history - reality and fiction and everything in between.

Secondly, or thirdly?...We as humans are so quick to jump into judging a situation, labeling it and then wanting an immediate response and solution.  Resolution, solution - they sound like a good thing to want, right?  Well...not if we rush into it to the extent that we miss out on the experience and what we were intended to learn from it.  Bing!  That's me!  And in this particular, as well as a number of other situations in my life this past year, I'd become so focused on resolution and closure and making sure everything is crystal clear that I am not even thinking about where it was meant to take me!

I don't need to grasp it all.  There will always been some doubt, some things unsure, contradictions and other seemingly negative parts that may not be truly negative at all.  But whatever happens, I will not rush to resolve it all.  When I think I could be rushing to resolve a problem, I could actually be rushing to miss out on important processes of learning.

Essentially, I'm learning to accept.  Simply accept.  This is life.  What happens to me or around me are not things that I can always control.  And when things don't go my way, crossing my arms and stomping my feet haven't seemed to work out too well.

Ego.  Isn't that the man we find behind the curtain after so many of our downfalls?  The author Richard Rohr wrote, "I have prayed for years for one good humiliation a day, and then I must watch my reaction to it."  Isn't THAT an amazing way to look into the mirror?! And such a bold petition! On that same topic of ego, I heard a message on pride recently.  I knew something would jump out at me with a topic like that so I listened intently and jotted down notes until I heard what I needed to hear.

Pride is not trusting God, not fearing God,...okay okay, yes, check, got it.  Pride is living for the praise of man and trying to build our reputation.  Hmm.  Wow.  If I'm following the One who "made himself of no reputation"...why would I need to be concerned with that?  Do I want a good name, yes.  Do I want to live in a way to positively affect other people, Oooh yes.  Do I need to concern myself with how everyone looks at me or hears me?  No.  

But wait!  How am I supposed to positively affect others and love if I'm not concerned about what they think of me?   Balance.  The problem appears when that concern is more out of self interest.  There will always be those who don't get me, even people I thought should or would.  I can only do so much, and then I need to let it go. It goes right along with what I said earlier about being overly concerned about everything needing resolution.

Balance.  It's all about balance.  Learning that life is not a straight line.  Life is full of contradictions.  Confusion.  Suffering, necessary and the opposite.  Love and lost love.   Reason and Faith.  Without both halves, it's no journey I want to be on.  No destination I want to travel to.  It's not really LIVING!  

My questions are still there.  I still want answers.  Hanging onto my immature concerns.  I have quite a way to go, but I'll walk, maybe take the scenic route and search for that deeper journey.

Sometimes you need to squint to see

I had a glimpse at another life.  No, not another life for ME.  Just, another life.  Glimpses of all varieties of life come and go, but this time, it didn't just walk by.  It stopped.  It caught my eye.  It chased me down and it wanted to talk.  It pulled me in and it even had my undivided attention for a moment.  And nearly just as fast as it arrived, it left.

I say left because, it was not by my choice in any sense of the word.  There is not an angle you could look at this, what I will endearingly call, "moment" in which I chose it's arrival or departure.  To beat this dead horse a little longer, it came to me by no desire of my own and then it left me all on it's own.

Life is funny.  So are people.  And funny, but not in a laughable way.  No.  More of a, funny - odd and sometimes cruel - can't put my finger on it so I'll just tilt my head to the side a bit and squint and still have no better understanding of what just happened.

When a moment happens to you in life - whether it be seemingly good or bad - if you're normal, I would think it would leave you with questions.  Maybe questions like "why?" or "what was that?" or "was it even real?"  At least, in my case I had a thousand questions, and no one there to answer them.

So I thought.  I thought and thought and thought.  And when thinking didn't help, I talked to myself.  And I kept talking.  Hey, sure I wanted someone physical to sit across from me and listen to my tale and give me those answers, but really there wasn't anyone who could step up to the plate in this one. So I did a lot of talking to myself, and ultimately to my Daddy (you know, the "Big Guy").  Without an audible voice, this time, the answers I was looking for even He couldn't give me. 

I'm not telling you that He didn't help me.  He has.  But this time, and I think it's something He's been trying to tell me for a while now...this time, I just don't need a reason.  I want one, and I will always want one.  But, for now and for life to continue, I don't need answers.  It doesn't all need to be completely explained.  And at the end of it all...there may not even really be an exact reason.

My mind screams even as I write that..."But...there's ALWAYS a reason!!?!?!"  Heh.  And that's where a new voice stepped in and helped.  Stick around...I'll tell you about the new voice I heard next time.

It's Friday, I'm in love

I used to be a blogger.  Not much, mind you, and it didn't even last for a year.  But I started one. And last night when I was really inspired and had a lot I wanted to say to no one in particular, something brought my old ramblings back into my mind.

So, I found it within seconds of my search - my old blog.  And instead of writing, I spent that time reading my old thoughts and poems and stories.  Fun to remember.  But, tonight, after my mind has been filled with many other things today, my inspiration is muddled.

Writing.  It's what I planned to make a career out of.  That is, until I realized I had to take speech classes, too.  A little immature and introverted (just a TAD), I chose a faster, easier path at the moment.  And it worked for me!  I got a degree, a job and a schedule and started plugging away at that old grindstone.

But that was yeeeeaarrrsss ago.  ANCIENT history.

Today, I am practically a different person.  At least, I have traveled what feels like an incredible distance from that place.  Now I stand, so often, in retrospect.  I'm not even at middle life, and yet, I look back as if time has past me by.  I'll just label myself an "old soul".  Sounds poetic, anyway.

Labels.  Speaking of those...I am growing to incredibly dislike them.  Ya know, I never really have loved them, but now - at this juncture - it's becoming much clearer to me how debilitating labels really are.  Crippling.  And in some cases, my life has suffered from them in ways that cannot be recovered from.  But, in all cases, it has taught me new realizations.

Life in parenthesis.  That's what this is all about.  This is not my life.  It's just what I have to say in those parenthesis between living.  Those brief pauses when I stop and reflect and remember and even look ahead.

So don't stray too far.  Live in your own moments, and stop by when you might like to sit down with a cup of coffee or a nice tea and do some of your own reflecting.  Sometimes we need that in life.  For me, reflecting helps me to do a better job at moving forward once I've come to terms with what's already happened.  That is not to say I understand it all.  There's plenty that I am certain I never will.  And I'm realizing more and more that...well - sometimes, I just don't NEED to understand it all.

All I need to know right now is... it's Friday and...I'm in love.