Me vs. Myself

Back again, so soon?

Yes.

Wow.  I'm surprised.  Why the peaked interest in chatting with me all of a sudden?

Well, I'm starved for a good chat, to be honest.  And, I'd rather not be alone in my own head.  It's dangerous in there.

Right.  True.  Well....alright, then.  I've got a little free time.  What's going on with you?

Oh, I've just been reminiscing tonight.  Facebook had this 10 year anniversary video snapshot of the past 10 years of my posts, and I saw some pictures of my kiddos as infants.  I started perusing my pictures and the tears started.

Awwww...

Yeah, I wanted to run in my kid's room and just snuggle up with both of them, but they need sleep and I can't tear myself away from my books and my bed.  They were sooooo LITTLE! Helpless and tiny...it's so crazy to remember.  I mean, it wasn't that long ago, but they just grow so incredibly fast.  

So, you miss having a baby?

Well, in a sense, I do.  Doesn't mean I want to have another baby...at least not now.  We're talking about ending it.  I think this family is complete.  But, I never say never.  You know, for the future.  Can't say what it holds.

Definitely.  You don't know where you'll be or what you may want later.

Exactly.

So, a night of reminiscing.  I love times like that.  But it doesn't end up too productive for me.

No.  Productive, it certainly is NOT.  And in the midst of my browsing through those old photos, I came across some comments from friends.  One friend in particular caught my eye.  One that I haven't heard from, so I looked her up, and guess what?  It gave me the open to "Add Friend."

Ouch.

Mhmm.  I really don't know why it bothers me.  I guess, I was just hoping for reconciliation, and instead she's pushed further away.

Who is this friend?

She's someone who I've known for about half of my life.  We've had a rocky year and a half, first she did the hurting and then I did.  Thing is, it's really never been such a great friendship for me. I really did most of the relationship building, but...I didn't mind!  I mean, I loved her and her family.  I guess it's about time that it's truly over.

Sad.  When things end.

Yes.  I know.  I have a hard time because I always hate when something doesn't work out. Sometimes I guess it's needed, but I feel like it really shouldn't have to be that way.  And in this case, it really doesn't!

So then what's this big issue between you two?

I won't get into detail, but...a secret was hidden and then found out.  But, it really was not a big deal.  I mean, really.  If roles were reversed, I would've put it behind us long ago and we would still be talking.  She's totally taking it to an extreme.  But that's her main problem anyway - she plays the victim.  Always has, always will.  Unless she decides to wake up one day, but that's going to be nearly impossible for her because ...she is the victim, never the cause.  For her to wake up would take her admitting that she's to blame.  It's insane to me.  I've been there for her for so long, and this one tiny betrayal has caused her to completely shut me out.  I guess maybe that's one of the problems - she never expected it from me.

Betrayal on any level is hard to get past.

I know it is.  But I've done it - gotten past things.  And for me, I guess it kills the most because -- when I tell her that I want to talk about it and resolve it and I still care about her like I always have, I MEAN every single word.  And the incident that happened, never did change one bit of how I've cared about her.  But I have a feeling that she believes that I've felt differently than I've portrayed to her.  She must feel that I've been acting and lying all along...or at least for the past year.  I wanna scream and say, "Give me a chance to explain!"  Because, honestly, I don't even know what she was told.  Someone else told her, and she took their word as gospel and that was that.

Wow.  So you never even got to hear why she's so upset?

Basically, that's the truth.  What hurts the most is that she cares so much about her own hurt that she doesn't consider that I may have some, too.  And it hurts because I never want to be the cause of someone's pain.  I want to be a helper, a giver, a lover.  Not an attacker or a stealer or a liar.  But inevitably, I am.

Hey, it's in all of us.  It doesn't mean you wanted that.  Sometimes things happen.  Regardless of your intent.

I have a question for you.

Ok.

How...please tell me how I can love with restraint, and still love fully?  What is the point of these feelings and emotions if I'm not supposed to express them?  And where is the line where I need to hold back and become unconnected?

Wow.  I'm not sure how to answer that.

I'm not surprised.  I mean, I don't think there's an answer!

Maybe you're not asking the right question.

I'm just tired of struggling.  I'm tired of caring.  I'm tired of people not caring that I care.  And I'm tired of wanting to make a difference and then not actually putting forth an effort.

I can identify.

UGH.  This life.

It's a toughie.

No kidding.  I do wish that I didn't feel.  I didn't feel as deeply as I do about things.  Then life would be a little easier.  Less exciting, but less painful.  I wrote a poem a while back about how I'll take the pain with the pleasure rather than live in indifference.  But, sometimes I'm not so sure.  Sometimes the pain just doesn't seem worth it.

I think it probably is.

Yeah, and ya know?  My pain is NOTHING compared to probably even the average person. And most of my pain, I've caused for myself.  Me and this dumb desire for human connection. Bah.

Ya know, if I'm going to be completely honest, I really don't want to repair this relationship.

No?  I thought this is the whole thing you just got done saying you wanted?

No.  What I want is the closure that a conversation to clear the air would bring.

Yes, that is quite a different thing.

Yes, quite.  I think I'm just past the point of caring about someone who won't give me the respect or courtesy of ONE measly conversation.  I literally don't feel like I have anything to apologize for anymore.  The way I've been treated for years, heck, I've just had it with being understanding.

And for you, that's saying something.

I know.  It really is.  I always like giving the benefit of the doubt and giving second, third, fourth chances.  But it's really over this time.  She's had her chance to reconcile and it's over.  Hey, I mean if she wants to talk, I will LOVE to talk.  And I will be apologetic, but once that talk is had, I'm through.  It's just not worth the aggravation anymore.  I'd really like the closure.  But, I'll hafta live with venting about it to you for the foreseeable future.

Well, I'll always be here for you.

I'm glad.  Not that you have much of a choice.

When you're right, you're right...

Consistency is not my strong suit.  As you know, if you are reading this.  It's been, what....3 months since my last post?  Or something like that.

When I feel down, I journal.  I muse and write angsty poetry.  When I'm not sure what I feel, I kill time reading a book or listening to music.  When I'm feeling up and in the mood for talking but don't exactly have someone to call, I write to you.  And usually when I'm feeling this way, I ramble.  On and on.  Not really sure what topic I want to share about today.

So I guess, I'm saying that I haven't really felt so upbeat in a while to resort to coming to you. I think that very well is true.  I'm starting to feel back in a rhythm of things.

I'll play movie critic tonight.  Only because I just saw Amelie yesterday afternoon.  A. Maz. Ing.  If I may say so.  I do believe it is now at least #2 if not #1 on my list of favorite films.  I think I may need to watch that once a week, or at least a month for a while.  And purchase a hard copy once Netflix removes it from their queue.

If you haven't seen it, please do.  The imagery in the film is brilliant, on a number of levels.  And the character in Amelie - so identifiable, for me.  The girl, feels lost, wanting direction.  Grew up with a pile of challenges (not exactly personal for me, but). Finds a purpose, a way to touch people's lives.  And in the process, finds a love for herself.  The same story told and retold, but this one couldn't have been told better. 

I don't think any bit of that movie disappointed me.  It filled in all the right gaps, and answered all the right questions and ended on a perfect note.  It's no wonder it won some great awards! Definitely one of the ones that deserved it all.

A few of the great quotes that stood out to me in Amelie...

"We pass the time of day to forget how time passes."

"The fool looks at a finger that points to the sky."

"Love's a great beautician."

"You'll never be a vegetable.  Even artichokes have hearts."

"She's fond of stratagems.  In fact, she's cowardly.  That's why I can't capture her look."

"I love the word 'fail'.  Failure is human destiny."

"At home, we say, a man that knows proverbs can't be all bad."

My daughter came downstairs while I was watching and sat with me for the second half of the movie.  Not exactly age appropriate for her, but it's a light-hearted movie.  Besides, it's all in French, and she can't quite read English yet.  But she told me, "I like her.  I want to be like her.  I want to learn French."  Maybe someday we'll learn it together.  I'd like to know it, too.

Super artistic film.  I'm sure that's a large bit of why I loved it.

Now I'm taking on too much with my reading.  I've just started a new 400 page fiction book.  Not necessarily excited about it, much more reading it out of duty to the series since I read book 1.  It's not bad, just not what's interesting me right now.  And I just remembered that I can always borrow library books instead of buying every book I want to read one time, so I borrowed another book and checked it out today.  Then a friend of mine is supposed to loan me another book to read.  The only one with the time limit is the library book, so we're good.

Okay, starting to drift off.  I wanna read, but I doubt that'll happen with these heavy eyelids.

Talk more later.  Well, I'll talk.  You listen.