Okay, scratch the wisdom part. And in a few hours, the twenty something.
The last post was one I meant to write days ago and didn't get to it. And tonight with the impending new century looming, I thought, why not write an extra posting? Get a few last words in before I slip into oblivion.
Alright, I know. 30 is far from a death sentence. In fact, I'm gonna bet that it'll be a better year than the last. In some respects it will not be hard to outdo!
My year in review...
Made lots of mistakes. Again. Still have a to do list no shorter than before. I helped some people, hurt some others, said too much, said too little, loved a lot, withheld affection, reached some goals, wrote some others.
The thing I remember most from all of the things I remember happening this year...I have learned some amazing lessons. Some from falling, some from rising. Eh, mostly from falling. It's a shame sometimes that we can't get it together before we start passing on what we know! This life journey is a mystery. An unraveling mystery that sometimes even changes right in the middle.
I have also made some amazing friends and connections. None of which I am willing to erase from my timeline. Each one holds a special space in my mind, with the good and the bad.
I'd like to think I've matured, and I know that in some ways I have. In no way have I arrived, nor will I ever until I reach the other side of the river.
But, I am in love. And I always will be. With what? who? Oh, I dunno. I mean, so many things. Tonight I just really feel love. And I don't mean that I feel loved. I just inwardly, feel love. Maybe it's just the waxing gibbous moon out tonight. Close enough to full to start effecting me.
And while this starts to become an incredible ramble, I think I'll finish off with something I wrote just two evenings ago.
Transformation
What do you see?
Eyes narrowed, sifting light
Dark shimmering wisps
teasing the imagery
What's left when the smoke clears?
Standing solidly, a brutish form
Some would cower or shiver -
But not you.
You sense his thoughts,
Fills you with intrigue to learn more,
See his next move.
Eyes widen, taking a full perspective
Allowing detail to build
Until each shade of color shows
Brutish turns to hideous
Still, something draws
No fear, only desire.
A breeze brushes over sensitive skin
Hair bristles, sending a shiver
Eyes soften.
Hideous turns to helpless
Only one response is proper -
Outstretched hand.
A step closer, with quizzical silence
Hesitant while time stops.
A decision is made - hand grasping
Hand holds, cares
Helpless becomes Beauty.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Simple Words
"I love you forever...and EVER...and EVER. And I'm NOT going to change my mind."
Those few simple words. They cut me deep, specifically when my ears heard those words spoken from my son's lips. Little does he realize what those words mean. Neither does he regard the fact that tomorrow he may be spouting out very different word formations to the exact same recipient.
But even though tomorrow he may say "Mom, I'm not your friend anymore because you won't let me have that cookie", I cherish the loving words from before all the more.
It may seem silly, but when he said that to me the other night, it painted a picture in my mind of what I do with my own Father. My heavenly One.
There are so many times when I tell him that I love him. When I want to jump up and embrace him and just snuggle in close and rest. When my heart is filled with contentment and satisfaction, and I am bubbling over. In those times I just am sooo in love. And being the emotional and loving Father he is, I KNOW...and especially now, I really KNOW how he feels when he hears that. And I know what he feels when later that same day I am crying and throwing things in his general direction protesting some injustice I despise.
And yet, there he sits...gently remembering that really, deep down, it's love that I have for him, and he loves me beyond any other comprehension. And he still smiles, and he still comforts and he simply loves me. Although, it's really far from simple. It's deep and complex. And even in those moments of fitful passion he reminds me of his love.
Let me tell ya...being a parent, it is unbelievably and indescribably eye-opening. Heart wrenching, unlimited love pouring, even wounding. But you are stuck. I mean, the love you have, it just grows and grows. Of course I have moments, and I am human to the core. But a minute after the rough moment, the love comes rushing back in and I'm head over heels again.
Those few simple words. They cut me deep, specifically when my ears heard those words spoken from my son's lips. Little does he realize what those words mean. Neither does he regard the fact that tomorrow he may be spouting out very different word formations to the exact same recipient.
But even though tomorrow he may say "Mom, I'm not your friend anymore because you won't let me have that cookie", I cherish the loving words from before all the more.
It may seem silly, but when he said that to me the other night, it painted a picture in my mind of what I do with my own Father. My heavenly One.
There are so many times when I tell him that I love him. When I want to jump up and embrace him and just snuggle in close and rest. When my heart is filled with contentment and satisfaction, and I am bubbling over. In those times I just am sooo in love. And being the emotional and loving Father he is, I KNOW...and especially now, I really KNOW how he feels when he hears that. And I know what he feels when later that same day I am crying and throwing things in his general direction protesting some injustice I despise.
And yet, there he sits...gently remembering that really, deep down, it's love that I have for him, and he loves me beyond any other comprehension. And he still smiles, and he still comforts and he simply loves me. Although, it's really far from simple. It's deep and complex. And even in those moments of fitful passion he reminds me of his love.
Let me tell ya...being a parent, it is unbelievably and indescribably eye-opening. Heart wrenching, unlimited love pouring, even wounding. But you are stuck. I mean, the love you have, it just grows and grows. Of course I have moments, and I am human to the core. But a minute after the rough moment, the love comes rushing back in and I'm head over heels again.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Jump
I want to jump into the sky
Let it swallow me whole in its vastness
Throw me overboard into the sea of stars
And hold my breath as I float away.
No struggling
No swimming, flailing limbs
I won't change my mind
I'm commited to this climate change
Let it swallow me whole in its vastness
Throw me overboard into the sea of stars
And hold my breath as I float away.
No struggling
No swimming, flailing limbs
I won't change my mind
I'm commited to this climate change
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Give me a Reason
Are you like me? Do you always want answers?
Well, I'm here to tell you, they are not as easy to come by as one might think.
But, I'm gradually learning (veeeeeerry gradually, sometimes painfully slow) that you don't always need an answer. In fact, really, you don't always need the questions! I am a pretty firm believer in questioning things. I think that's one great way we grow and learn. But there's a point where the only place questions get you is STUCK. Unable to move forward. And that's not growing at all.
I told you that there was a voice that I heard. It gave me some insights into my questions. A few different voices, actually. I started reading, and throughout the book rose a few points that resonated with me and have been a solid stepping stone in this upward climb.
The first thing my readings reminded me of is something super simple, but so often is something that's been hard for me personally and daily needing focus correction on it. That is, we only have the NOW...that is the place we need to live in. In conjunction with that, sometimes it's necessary to fall before you can rise up. That's a theme that I think many can understand, and it's one that's seen throughout history - reality and fiction and everything in between.
Secondly, or thirdly?...We as humans are so quick to jump into judging a situation, labeling it and then wanting an immediate response and solution. Resolution, solution - they sound like a good thing to want, right? Well...not if we rush into it to the extent that we miss out on the experience and what we were intended to learn from it. Bing! That's me! And in this particular, as well as a number of other situations in my life this past year, I'd become so focused on resolution and closure and making sure everything is crystal clear that I am not even thinking about where it was meant to take me!
I don't need to grasp it all. There will always been some doubt, some things unsure, contradictions and other seemingly negative parts that may not be truly negative at all. But whatever happens, I will not rush to resolve it all. When I think I could be rushing to resolve a problem, I could actually be rushing to miss out on important processes of learning.
Essentially, I'm learning to accept. Simply accept. This is life. What happens to me or around me are not things that I can always control. And when things don't go my way, crossing my arms and stomping my feet haven't seemed to work out too well.
Ego. Isn't that the man we find behind the curtain after so many of our downfalls? The author Richard Rohr wrote, "I have prayed for years for one good humiliation a day, and then I must watch my reaction to it." Isn't THAT an amazing way to look into the mirror?! And such a bold petition! On that same topic of ego, I heard a message on pride recently. I knew something would jump out at me with a topic like that so I listened intently and jotted down notes until I heard what I needed to hear.
Pride is not trusting God, not fearing God,...okay okay, yes, check, got it. Pride is living for the praise of man and trying to build our reputation. Hmm. Wow. If I'm following the One who "made himself of no reputation"...why would I need to be concerned with that? Do I want a good name, yes. Do I want to live in a way to positively affect other people, Oooh yes. Do I need to concern myself with how everyone looks at me or hears me? No.
But wait! How am I supposed to positively affect others and love if I'm not concerned about what they think of me? Balance. The problem appears when that concern is more out of self interest. There will always be those who don't get me, even people I thought should or would. I can only do so much, and then I need to let it go. It goes right along with what I said earlier about being overly concerned about everything needing resolution.
Balance. It's all about balance. Learning that life is not a straight line. Life is full of contradictions. Confusion. Suffering, necessary and the opposite. Love and lost love. Reason and Faith. Without both halves, it's no journey I want to be on. No destination I want to travel to. It's not really LIVING!
My questions are still there. I still want answers. Hanging onto my immature concerns. I have quite a way to go, but I'll walk, maybe take the scenic route and search for that deeper journey.
Well, I'm here to tell you, they are not as easy to come by as one might think.
But, I'm gradually learning (veeeeeerry gradually, sometimes painfully slow) that you don't always need an answer. In fact, really, you don't always need the questions! I am a pretty firm believer in questioning things. I think that's one great way we grow and learn. But there's a point where the only place questions get you is STUCK. Unable to move forward. And that's not growing at all.
I told you that there was a voice that I heard. It gave me some insights into my questions. A few different voices, actually. I started reading, and throughout the book rose a few points that resonated with me and have been a solid stepping stone in this upward climb.
The first thing my readings reminded me of is something super simple, but so often is something that's been hard for me personally and daily needing focus correction on it. That is, we only have the NOW...that is the place we need to live in. In conjunction with that, sometimes it's necessary to fall before you can rise up. That's a theme that I think many can understand, and it's one that's seen throughout history - reality and fiction and everything in between.
Secondly, or thirdly?...We as humans are so quick to jump into judging a situation, labeling it and then wanting an immediate response and solution. Resolution, solution - they sound like a good thing to want, right? Well...not if we rush into it to the extent that we miss out on the experience and what we were intended to learn from it. Bing! That's me! And in this particular, as well as a number of other situations in my life this past year, I'd become so focused on resolution and closure and making sure everything is crystal clear that I am not even thinking about where it was meant to take me!
I don't need to grasp it all. There will always been some doubt, some things unsure, contradictions and other seemingly negative parts that may not be truly negative at all. But whatever happens, I will not rush to resolve it all. When I think I could be rushing to resolve a problem, I could actually be rushing to miss out on important processes of learning.
Essentially, I'm learning to accept. Simply accept. This is life. What happens to me or around me are not things that I can always control. And when things don't go my way, crossing my arms and stomping my feet haven't seemed to work out too well.
Ego. Isn't that the man we find behind the curtain after so many of our downfalls? The author Richard Rohr wrote, "I have prayed for years for one good humiliation a day, and then I must watch my reaction to it." Isn't THAT an amazing way to look into the mirror?! And such a bold petition! On that same topic of ego, I heard a message on pride recently. I knew something would jump out at me with a topic like that so I listened intently and jotted down notes until I heard what I needed to hear.
Pride is not trusting God, not fearing God,...okay okay, yes, check, got it. Pride is living for the praise of man and trying to build our reputation. Hmm. Wow. If I'm following the One who "made himself of no reputation"...why would I need to be concerned with that? Do I want a good name, yes. Do I want to live in a way to positively affect other people, Oooh yes. Do I need to concern myself with how everyone looks at me or hears me? No.
But wait! How am I supposed to positively affect others and love if I'm not concerned about what they think of me? Balance. The problem appears when that concern is more out of self interest. There will always be those who don't get me, even people I thought should or would. I can only do so much, and then I need to let it go. It goes right along with what I said earlier about being overly concerned about everything needing resolution.
Balance. It's all about balance. Learning that life is not a straight line. Life is full of contradictions. Confusion. Suffering, necessary and the opposite. Love and lost love. Reason and Faith. Without both halves, it's no journey I want to be on. No destination I want to travel to. It's not really LIVING!
My questions are still there. I still want answers. Hanging onto my immature concerns. I have quite a way to go, but I'll walk, maybe take the scenic route and search for that deeper journey.
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